


The One That Didn't Get Away

by TheSwanWriter



Series: Happy Cannibal Family Sitcom [1]
Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Abigail can't keep any of her boyfriends, All the time, Cannibalism, Crack, Gen, Hannibal is very calm, I Don't Even Know, Jack is grumpy, M/M, Murder Family, This isn't that funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-10
Updated: 2013-06-10
Packaged: 2017-12-14 12:07:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/836693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSwanWriter/pseuds/TheSwanWriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Abigail can't keep a stable relationship, ever.<br/>Blame her dads.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The One That Didn't Get Away

**Author's Note:**

> I... Don't even know.  
> I'm in the process of writing a semi-serious Hannibal fic and I needed a break and I thought of this.  
> This is crack, but I don't know if it's very funny.

Hannibal was in the middle of preparing an absolutely beautiful, delicious, delectable, dish for dinner when he heard the front door open. 

Ah, that would be Will and Abigail. 

"Dad," he heard Abigail whine. "I don't want James to come for dinner! You're gonna scare him away!"

"Hannibal, tell your daughter that her boyfriend is coming over to dinner whether she wants him to or not," Will ordered, entering the kitchen with Abigail trailing behind him. 

"Abigail, we're having your boyfriend for dinner," Hannibal said calmly.

Abigail groaned. 

"The last time we had my boyfriend over for dinner, he dumped me the next day. For Betsy Collins! Betsy Collins!" Abigail said emphatically. "*Nobody* likes Betsy Collins, but you guys scared him so much that he didn't want to even talk to me!"

"Then he wasn't the right one for you," Will replied. 

Hannibal put down the potato that he was peeling and looked at Will, then at Abigail. 

"Did I ever tell you how your father and I first realized we were perfect for each other?" Hannibal said thoughtfully. 

Abigail huffed in frustration. 

"Only a million times!" she nearly yelled, but didn't actually yell. That would be rude. "I'm going to my room, don't you dare scare him away when he gets here!"

Will looked at the cubed meat cooking in a pan and frowned. 

"Hannibal, is that people?"

Hannibal sighed. "Yes Will, it's people."

Will groaned. "Hannibal, I thought we agreed to stop feeding Abigail's friends people!"

"But I only like people," Hannibal replied, stubbornly but still calmly. He was always calm, see. 

"Fine," Will muttered.

The ringing of the doorbell startled them both. 

"I'll get it!" Abigail shouted down the stairs as she rushed to the door. 

"Hi James!" Abigail said cheerily as she opened the door. 

The eternally-grumpy face of Jack Crawford stared back at her. 

"Dad, it's for you!" Abigail yelled to the kitchen, frowning at Jack and walking to the living room. 

Will and Hannibal went to the door. 

"Oh, hi Jack. Who died?" Will stated resignedly with a sigh. 

"A teenager named James Hartnell. It looks like the Chesapeake Ripper. I'll meet you in the car, hurry up," Jack stated, his face looking unhappy, but it always did so that was nothing new. 

"Got it," Will replied, closing the door and looking at Hannibal with his "I Wish I Had to Stop Investigating Your Murders Because It's Getting Old" face. 

Hannibal shrugged. 

"Wait, James Hartnell?"

Will and Hannibal turned to look at Abigail. 

"Hannibal!" Abigial cried. Hannibal and Will knew this was bad. She only used their names when she was mad. 

"That was my boyfriend!" Abigail continued hysterically. 

Will glared at Hannibal and then walked out of the door. "You can deal with this one, okay?"

Hannibal sighed again, still calm. 

"Seriously? Seriously?" Abigail groaned again. (This was becoming a habit.)

Hannibal nodded. 

"Wait, did you seriously mean that we were having my boyfriend for dinner?"

Hannibal smirked. "I guess so."

"That's not funny!" Abigail replied, annoyed.

Hannibal just returned to the kitchen to continue cooking. 

When Abigail joined him to help (grudgingly, of course.), she was listening to another obnoxious pop song that Hannibal hated. 

"'The One That Got Away,' by Katy Perry," Abigail muttered.

Hannibal frowned. Maybe he should eat Katy Perry now. Or perhaps the manufacturer of those wretched sound-leaking headphones. 

"Actually," Hannibal said thoughtfully as the song continued. "He didn't get away, that's the problem." Hannibal gave a pointed glance at the meat. 

Abigail groaned. "I hate your cannibal jokes, Dad!"

Hannibal frowned. "They're clever."

"Puns are stupid!" Abigail retorted, setting down the knife she had in her hand and stalking out of the kitchen. "And I'm sad because my boyfriend is dead and I'm eating him for dinner! You could at *least* show me some sympathy!"

Hannibal raised an eyebrow. "But I'm not sorry."

"You should be!" 

Hannibal just sighed and went back to cooking. 

Teenagers, really.  

As he continued cooking, a weird feeling came over him.

Hannibal frowned as he heard the TV turn on. He didn't have a good feeling about this. 

"That was for my boyfriend!" Abigail shouted triumphantly.  

"Abigail, what are you doing?" Hannibal asked, exiting the kitchen and leaning against the wall of the living room. 

"I just deleted all your recorded episodes of "Game of Thrones,"" Abigail stated with a wicked grin. 

Hannibal's calm face broke and he looked shocked and crushed. 

"Abigail!" Hannibal cried. 

Abigail just continued to grin. "Revenge, Dad. You taught me."

She skipped away to her room, leaving Hannibal to mourn the loss of his favorite TV show.

And she had deleted the season three finale. 

How dare she.

Meanwhile, Abigail contined listening to her music with a grin. Vengeance was nice. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so, so sorry.


End file.
